It's been a while

I clearly haven't kept up with my weekly posting schedule for this blog, but at least I can say I have compensated for it by filling the intervening time with myriad things to write about when I actually take the time to sit down and write them. And that time is... not now. I'm sorry to dash your hopes if you were expecting this to be the gushing report of everything I have had to say in the past two and a half weeks, but I hope you will allow the suspense to build just a little longer. For now, two thoughts:

First, Requiem for a Dream is one of the most intense and well-created movies I have seen in a long time. It is confusing, disturbing, creative, and very well titled. It is also the most effective anti-drug media I have ever seen.

Second, every experience I have had in the past two and a half weeks has made me think about just how strong a desire humans have to feel useful, needed, independent, purposed, or strong. I will go into more detail about those experiences next time, but for now it seems apparent that Theodore Roosevelt and William Danforth were on to something with their respective programs of "the strenuous life" and "challenge by choice".

Project 365 pictures will be coming soon, as well, though I have a fair amount of processing to do first.

Today was a Good Day

On Monday I discovered I had missed my chance to apply for a Software Engineering internship at Google. In North America, at least. I was both disappointed and frustrated, having been prepared to spend the afternoon working on my application but never having received a deadline. On Wednesday I was startled to discover the student to whom I had given a 13% was a man in his mid-thirties with a wife and kids and a very reasonable appeal for a better grade than he received. Somehow even this simple, calmly negotiated disagreement gnawed at me for the rest of the day. Yesterday the observatory was closed after we came all the way from the South 40 to go to it, and today it rained.

Overall, it was a good week.

I found a renewed desire for adventure both at school and for this summer and felt the highest I have all month, both literally and emotionally. Literally, you ask? Despite the fact that the observatory was closed, not all of the doors were, and we managed to get out onto the lowest roof of Crow and, with a little work, up to a point above the observatory. I suppose I was still riding that wave today, and the combination of that with Flatterland, my anticipation of the weekend, the rain, and my continual discovery of wonderful music was a recipe for that ever-hunted but oft-elusive Good Day.

Speaking of music, check out Kina Grannis on YouTube, MySpace, or iTunes. She is awesome.

The Good Kind of Tired

You know the kind of tired you are when you sleep too late or stay inactive all day? Perhaps it's better referred to as sleepiness or lethargy. But for now, for the sake of contrast, it's the bad kind of tired. It's the kind of tired that means you don't have the energy or motivation to do much of anything, but also doesn't really make you want to sleep. In fact, when you're the bad kind of tired, you often can't sleep.

Right now, I'm the good kind of tired. It's the kind of tired that that starts when you get three hours of sleep because you're up working on a circuit design problem that's frustrating at first but kind of fun when you solve your problems and end up with an elegant solution. This kind of tired grows out of that initial exhaustion when you get nine hours of sleep the next night but still have to power through a full day of commitments. It is more subtle then. You feel it in your joints and every time you rub your head. Then this kind of tired hits you when you do your last workout of the week. It spreads through your arms and your legs. It settles into the soles of your feet and crawls out to your fingertips where it is felt with every last key you type.

Still, this kind of tired is optimistic. It would love to go out and do something. Maybe frisbee? But it's cold outside. And no one can think of anything to do. As you watch The Fifth Element, this kind of tired starts to remind you that what you really want is sleep. So as you savor one more 60% dark chocolate square you begin to really notice the feeling in your toes as they play with the table. The soothing massage of your neck on the back of the couch. And when someone suggests playing Gauntlet, this kind of tired pulls you, strong and seductive, away to your bed.

It waits, patiently at first, for you to do what you need to do at the end of the night—brushing your teeth, swishing from your new bottle of Listerine, clearing papers and books from your bed. But as you type the post you missed last night because you wanted nine hours of sleep and didn't have one of the pictures you wanted, this kind of tired starts to pull a little harder. As the message goes on, you go slower and slower and want more and more to give in and burrow into the mattress and pillow, pulling your blanket tight, and sinking beautifully and blissfully into a long-awaited and well-deserved sleep. And so, with the sounds of swords and mages coming from the tv in the background, you finally... happily... serenely... collapse.

No Amount of Wine

"You see," he said, "You're choosing to love a changing person."

maybe when i think about you i know exactly what i want.

maybe what i want is to fly. and

maybe when i fly the breeze brushes 

smooth, light, and cool on my skin. but

maybe when the breeze brushes smooth, light, and cool on my skin 

it burns, cold and hard in my eyes.

maybe i have no idea what i'm doing.

maybe i'm not perfect and neither is life. and yet

maybe, just maybe, every time i go to sleep, every time i wake, 

every time i walk to class...

maybe i know exactly what i want

Back to Work

Arriving back at WashU after spending Saturday at home, I quickly remembered that

1. I am a TA

2. I do in fact have homework on weekends, despite their being followed by a light Monday

3. I can't turn down anyone asking for help

And all of those are good things, even though they frequently lead to my being up at 3 am, as they did today. When I have people all around me, on- and off-line, asking for help on physics and computer science, and I know how to answer all of their questions, I feel good and I feel like I'm where I need to be. I sometimes (often) feel like I don't have the service or leadership credentials expected of me as a Danforth scholar, or perhaps as a good person in general, so it's reassuring to know the academic help I can provide is still valued.

I also recorded a song for KWUR Theater of Air today. It was my first time in a recording studio and it was kind of cool to experience, even though it took a long time and by the end I could barely get through my part because my lips were so tired. It has certainly been a while since I was in marching band. But, as I realized later in disappointment, I didn't think to take any pictures there, which means I have once again reached the end of the day with the challenge of finding something in the limited space of my dorm room to summarize it. I considered taking a picture of mystery girl when she was here today, but then thought that might be a little creepy.

Better Late than Never

Yawn. Sleep. Work. Scratch. Groan. What?

This week I am realizing two things. First, this might be a pretty exhausting semester. I'm going on my second straight week of not going to bed before 2 am and frequently staying up past three (though that still gives me eight hours of sleep on weekends). And I'm still exercising, trying to read several books, and become generally more organized, all while dealing with my heavy work- and course-load.

Second, I need to complain less. And "complaining" here also includes having a holier-than-thou attitude about my schedule. I'm not really sure how much I do either of those things verbally (complain or sport an attitude), but three things I encountered this week made me notice that, at the very least, I do them mentally.

My first encounter was in Bear's Den. I ordered pesto pasta and was waiting for it to be mixed and boxed for me while the guy who had just been in front of me in line was sprinkling on some parmesan cheese. In fact, he took so long putting it on I thought I might be able to beat him to the checkout. Had he taken any longer, I would have. Instead I took solace in the fact that there was no one in line on our side of the cashier, which meant I could still check out without waiting in a significant line. But when the cashier finished ringing up the person she was working with and turned to us, this guy in front of me, who I see now has intentionally been maintaining distance from the register, told her he would wait for her to handle the end of the line on the other side.

I'm not sure if I explained that well enough for you to follow it, but this fellow pasta eater turned down a coincidental cut in line that I sometimes try to use on purpose. As simple as it was, it made a big impression on me and made me realize that I should consider other people a lot more than I do now.

My second encounter was with fellow Danforth Scholars at a meeting about our Spring Break trip to Biloxi, MS. Everyone there was busy, and I didn't even think about complaining myself. In fact, it is probably being in this group of people that motivated me to do as much as possible in the first place.

My last encounter this week was a phone call earlier tonight from the most resilient girl I have ever met. Despite facing a multitude of issues that would each be particularly difficult on their own, she remains upbeat, incredibly enthusiastic (most of the time), and says next to nothing about any of her problems. People like her just make me think "whoah!" and they are the best part of being a student at WashU. I hope I can learn from every last one of them.

Goodnight, World

I swear blogging has been on my to-do list every night since Saturday. It just gets late at night and I'm tired and... anyway, see you in five hours, world!

Rain is beautiful.